On Being Alone

Maybe its weird, but I have absolutely no problem being alone. Since I was little and my mom used to tell me to go play in my room, I have loved it. At five, it was just a lot more fun to be by myself and talk to my Barbies and dive in to a totally different world of my own creation. And now being alone is my favorite part of the day. Sitting on the couch in the morning, drinking my coffee and letting my brain wake up at its leisure. Driving to work in total silence, listening to the sound of the engine and getting lost in my own ridiculous daydreams. 

Even now, watching the cone batter mix at work and listening to the constant hum of the freezers in the back, these moments of solitude are one of the best parts of my job. I wonder what the difference is, though, between me and others who crave constant companionship and interaction. Is it an environmental thing? The way they were raised? Or does it go all the way down to the genes? Because both of my biological parents are great about just sitting next to me in total silence without it getting awkward. And I love that about both of them.

I'm going to visit my family in Mississippi this weekend, and I cannot wait for the moment that we pull into my dad's driveway and I can sit on the front porch with him and look out at the lake and listen to the crickets chirp and see the stars without any light pollution from the nonexistent buildings looming in the distance. 

There is a sense of peace that comes over me when I'm there, a sense of my place in the world that makes it so much easier to be grateful for this existence. In some ways seeing that giant, matte black sky with all those thousands of twinkling stars makes me feel alone, isolated, and small. But understanding my place in the mechanism of the Universe is also beautifully humbling and freeing in a way. Although I am small, I am the only Me there ever has been or ever will be, and that makes me more precious than any of those thousands of stars. 

So maybe I like being alone because I like myself. I like talking to myself and sorting out my thoughts and ideas. I enjoy examining my actions and finding themes in my own life. I even make myself laugh a lot of the time. I can be more honest with myself than with anybody else, and I never tell my own secrets. I'm kind of like my own, built-in best friend. Which is kind of creepy but makes total sense my head. 

For those of you out there that don't like being alone, think of it as quality time with yourself. Get to know yourself, get in touch with your own existence, and if you don't like what you find you know its time to make a change. Teach yourself to enjoy spending time alone. You're the one that has to live with you, be with you, sleep with you. Learn to love yourself and appreciate your own unique point of view. Nobody else sees the world quite the way that you do. 

Invest in yourself. Spend some time alone. I promise it is not time wasted.

It's been a while...

So I'm at this really awkward stage in my life, and I think we've all experienced our fair share of awkward stages, <stalks own Facebook for embarrassing examples to insert, but alas... too embarrassing> so it's not like this is an unfamiliar feeling. But that doesn't make it any less painful.

I'm not even going to get into the explanation of this sudden need to blog again, but I will say this: It is during these times of change and transition that I feel the greatest desire to be around those I love. When I get stressed out, what I want more than anything is to call someone that I trust and spill my guts to them. I don't want advice, I don't want answers, I just want comfort. I want understanding. I want someone to bounce my ideas off of and help figuring out how to feel about whatever is going on. 

What I've come to realize is this that 85% of the time I don't come out of that conversation feeling any better about the situation. In fact I feel even more confused and conflicted than I did before I drenched my loved one in word vomit. And it's not like listening to me rant and rave makes said loved one feel good at all. I'm sure its quite frustrating, actually. But I digress.

I need to make a change. I need to stop reaching out so much and start looking up. I need to appreciate the life I'm living, and stop focusing so much on how unfair it is a lot of the time. I need to take what I have and make it work for me, instead of comparing myself to all the people around me that are succeeding so easily in my eyes. Because at the end of the day, every single one of us struggles to keep it together sometimes. And just because one persons life is filled with more struggle than others, that doesn't mean either life is any less valuable. 

I need to take some serious chances in the future, I need to put myself out there and be available to say yes to as many opportunities as possible. I need to stop quitting for fear of future failure, because the only one that is going to take any risks on my behalf is me. If I don't believe in myself, who will?

Okay. I've pumped myself up now. I'm ready to take on the world.

I'm about to make some seriously beautiful chocolate dipped waffle cones and the baseboards in the back better watch out, because they're going to be the cleanest they've ever been.

Baby steps.

Update, y'all.

So I haven't written anything in a while. Well, I've written quite a bit actually, but nothing that one could break down and piece back together in any coherent fashion and call a post. And I'm quite honestly fresh out of ideas for posts at the moment. So I thought I'd just give a quick update about my life and my faith and my interests in general.

My mom is home for good, undergoing bi-weekly chemotherapy that usually leaves her wrecked for four or five days and then she's good to go. (I say "good to go" very lightly- she still naps sporadically and any sort of activity outside of the house is tiring for her.) It's difficult to talk about what its like to know someone undergoing chemo, much less live with them. Its hard to see my own mother, who has such a strong spirit, so physically weak. Its hard to recognize what emotions I feel when I see the exhaustion in her eyes even though she's trying to hide it. Somtimes I'm angry and sometimes I'm sad. But my empathy always kicks in and all I want to do is rub her feet or make her tea or do something to make her smile. Which is what a good daughter is supposed to do. I'm just so glad she's home.

I've been working like CRAZY. Up at 7, bed at 11. If I can get to sleep, that is. I'm finding out that the more stress and pressure I have on my mind, the better I perform. But that stress and pressure also affects my sleep habits. Which affects my mood. Which affects my performance. Which happens to affect everyone that I work with, directly and indirectly. So... I'm a bit exhausted all the time.

I'm so happy to finally have real responsibility at work, to finally have a role to fill and more than enough space to fill it. Yes, I'm talking about ice cream. But there's a lot more to it than most people think. I feel silly even typing that, but just take my word for it. The ice cream business is no cake walk. (Pun.)

A side effect of my increased responsiblity at work has been a new vision of myself- especially during my devotional time, God gives me images of my future, and for the first time in my entire life my dreams and my desires are melding together and I'm so excited for all that I'm learning about myself. I actually have the confidence to tell people "I want to start my own interior design business." Not that I didn't have the self-confidence before, but a year ago I wouldn't have wanted to say it for fear that I'd be unintentionally lying to everyone. But now I know that its possible, and I've got more than enough inspiration. So I'm saying it again. One day, I will have my own interior design business. And it will be good.

That's about all I've got right now. Not much on the "reflection" front. I'm going to start ending my posts with my likes/dislikes at the moment. Because these are the things that regularly occupy my thinking. And because I can't think of anything else to say at the end of posts usually. Sooo....

Likes:
-Obama's Slow Jamming the News with Jimmy Fallon  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAFQIciWsF4) And yes, I did squeal with delight when those curtains were pulled back and Barack walked through.
-Mondays. Because they are my Starbucks Pay-It-Forward Days. I pay for the person in line behind me and hope that they pass the gift along. Try it! Warm fuzzies all around.
-Seafoam Green.
-The Science of God by Gerald Schroeder. "By exploring how religious belief is enhanced by an open-eyed investigation of the world and how honest science demands humility when faced with the extraordinary richeness of life's creation, this revealing book reminds us how abounding is our science, how true the Bible- and how the convergence between the two will inspire you to reconsider both your Scripture and your Einstein."
-Feist's Metals

Dislikes:
-Rum flavored ice cream.
-Gas prices.
-Cognitive Dissonance. Look it up, yo.
-University of Tennessee Medical School. *Sigh*
-Midi Rings.

The one about forgiveness.

What do you do when your life is turned upside down? When your daily routine and immediate goals and plans are tossed out the window by some force that you only recognize as the worst possible pain you’ve ever experienced? How do you deal with crippling fear that comes out of nowhere and leaves you immobile for several minutes, bawling your eyes out and unable to speak?

Hopefully you’ve never felt this. Hopefully you never will. But I have. Multiple times, in fact.

I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it through the past month and a half. My mom went in for a routine but major operation in early December. The doctors thought she had recovered enough to come home but eventually she had to have another emergency surgery and hasn’t been home in 33 days.

That’s 33 days without a phone call asking when I’m coming home. 33 days without her voice telling me I’m wearing too much perfume and telling me to put my dishes in the dishwasher. 33 days without the nagging that only a mother can deliver in a loving tone of voice that makes you feel guilty when you roll your eyes.

Its also been 49 days since we went to get Greek food on her lunch break. 47 days since she barged into my room at 7 am to borrow a sweater or earrings or shoes. 44 days since she looked into my eyes and just knew that I’d had a bad day, and gave me a long hug that made everything feel okay again.

The early days of her hospital stay were the worst. I couldn’t talk to God, couldn’t pray, couldn’t even look at my Bible. I couldn’t stand the idea of going to church to worship the all-powerful being that I recognize Him to be because if He is really that all-powerful, why can’t He just make it all stop? I can’t count how many times I laid hands on my mother while she was sleeping in the ICU and begged God for the ability to heal her.

But now feel like I’m falling in love with God all over again. Each day I uncover a part of my relationship with Him that I forgot about, and each day I remember exactly how powerful He has been in my life. Today was a wonderful day for me and God. I woke up praying, thanking God for the blessings in my life. Blessings that I can’t put a name to but feel very potently. It took a while for me to sort out how to forgive myself for cursing God and His sudden change of plans for me. I was so, so angry. But the forgiveness that God’s love brings to the table is insurmountable. I just can’t get past that love. And I stand very firm in the belief that everything happens for a reason. God never gives us more than we can handle, or more than we can bear.

My mom gets a little better every day, and there are still lots of hurdles to jump before she can come home. Three steps forward and two steps back is still one step ahead. And just as long as we’re moving forward I’m happy.

I want to share the lyrics to a song by Plumb that I have taken great comfort in for the past few weeks. The song is called Phobic and it was written as a letter to us, from God. I think it does a beautiful job of describing God’s forgiveness. I would post a link, but I can’t remember how… so look it up!

I watched you sit alone, I watched you cry your eyes out. Now tell me what you’ve done.

Is it so bad that I would shut you out and leave you here alone?
Yes, I saw what you did, I was right there with you. I won’t let you sink. No, I forgive you.

Phobic, don’t be. Grace needs a little more freedom.

Phobic, don’t be. Love needs room to breathe.

I’ve watched you grow- I’ve stood in your shadow. I’ve never walked away.

I hung the stars and I hold your heart, so don’t ever be afraid.

Yes, I know when you breathe. And I feel when you need. I won’t let you sink. No, I forgive you.

Phobic, don’t be. Grace needs a little more freedom.

Phobic, don’t be. Love needs room to breathe.

You can be healed.

You can be free.

You can know peace.

Never be afraid again.

Just when I least expected Him.

     Growth is a beautiful thing. And I’m not talking plant growth here- I’m talking spiritual growth. God growth. The kind of growth that makes you want to scream in pain and sing in an operatic voice at the same time. (Well, it makes me want to sing in an operatic voice…) God has been shifting around in my life, and I’ve given him space to do so. It feels like He’s making a room for Himself. And frankly I’m psyched to have a new roommate.

     On the down side, I spend a lot of my time attempting to understand why it is that some people cannot accept God. Which is really a pretty intense subject, and moderately depressing. I think it has to do with the wounds that we sustain… we have so many scars and open wounds that we sometimes don’t have the capacity to see the core of our being. We can’t truly look inwardly on ourselves because all we see and feel and hear are the festering, unrelenting lies of the enemy. The enemy loves wounds; he seeks them out and wedges himself between the skins; he torments the wounds of the soul and masks the yearning for God that we are born with. Some of our wounds are so numerous and so deep… Nothing but the grace and mercy of God can heal them. And who can blame us? How can we possibly be bothered with the salvation of our soul when we can’t even recognize what it is that we’re missing? We get so blinded by the pain of our own past and daily struggles that we cannot even begin to fathom the unflinching, enemy-crushing, soul-filling love that awaits us.

     On the up side, I am so thankful for the ability to accept this love, for the blessing of peace and salvation that I have been prepared to receive each day. Because I have begun to understand this, I can move forward. Not in my own desires or passions, but in the desires and passions of God. It continually gets harder and harder for me to recognize which desires are mine and which are from God; they are becoming one in the same. This feeling is both exhilarating and terrifying, because part of me fears that I’m losing myself, and part of me prays that I’m losing myself. And at the exact same time, I’m becoming a better version of myself every day, every hour, every minute. I’m growing into a new version of myself that I’ve never met before.

     Events that would have completely torn me apart a year ago are now making me stronger than ever before. God is using them to wreck me for good, permanently and irrevocably. Because I recognize that nothing of this world could possibly compare to the joy that waits for me in the next.

 “I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you; I will praise your name, O Lord, for it is good.” Psalm 54:5

I didn’t understand this verse when I read it a month ago; didn’t have an interpretation or application for my life. But now it is so clear. And so good. Life is a process of giving yourself over to God, one willful thought at a time. And while seemingly bad or painful things will happen as a result of this, the wonderful ALWAYS outweigh the unfortunate, and the growth that occurs will completely blow your mind.



Make new friends, but keep the old.

Making new friends is such an interesting process. The intricacies of conversation, laughter, story-telling. It’s all so new and refreshing and… exciting. I am SO PUMPED about the new relationships developing in my life. And so grateful to God for having put them in my path and learning about how they function in my community.

I have two of the absolute BEST best friends in the world- they each appeal to different needs of my personality. Jia is my go-to emotional needs friend. Any time I feel uncertain about things or need some good solid advice from an honest source… she’s the girl. I wouldn’t trade any of that friendship for anything. Examining her place in my life is just as (if not more) interesting as making new friends. I love seeing the way that God uses the relationship that I have with her to teach me something about myself almost every day.

And then there’s Jay. We’ve been friend for about three years now, and some of the most fun things I’ve ever done have been with Jay. In fact, my top three favorite fun-times memories have Jay in them. He’s always up for an adventure and has the same “Let’s make the best of a bad situation” attitude when things go wrong (which happens more often than not).

For instance, two winters ago we went to see the Ice! exhibit at Opryland. If you’ve never heard of it, basically they select a theme each year (That year it was ‘A Very Charlie Brown Christmas’) and build gigantic ice sculptures in this big warehouse and you put on these huge puffy blue coats and walk through the exhibit. They even have giant slides made of ice for kids! Jay and I bought tickets and were planning to leave Franklin around 5:45 to get there by 6:30 and eat in the Opry Mills mall and walk through the exhibit. We bought tickets early, asked off for work, and even made a mixed CD in preparation for the excursion. So we leave on time and get to Briley Parkway on schedule… and then Leona Lewis’ “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” comes on and we actually get SO wrapped up in her voice that we wait in a two-mile line of cars for Exit 11, when we actually needed to be at Exit 12! By the time we got to the exhibit, the mall was closing in 45 minutes and we had to rush through dinner to see Charlie Brown and Snoopy before IT closed… all because our enthusiasm and similar voice obsessions literally take up half our conversations. But we made it all work, and had a blast that night.  

Jay is the only friend I can call and talk about Jessica Simpson’s bizarre singing voice with for at least half an hour. He will sit through a 6-minute Celine Dion ballad and analyze every single note with me, listening again and again and again to truly appreciate her talent. He can also find something humorous in every single situation, and can almost always make me laugh when I’m feeling miserable at work. Despite our distinct differences, I value my relationship with him in an entirely different way than anyone else in my life. He challenges me to back up my beliefs and even though this has been the source of a lot of growing pain for the both of us, it is ultimately a huge part of the reason that I am where I am today.

So Jay, if you’re reading this- Thank you for being authentic with me. Thank you for asking me the hard questions and not being afraid to push the boundaries. Thank you for listening to me, even when I don’t think that you’re paying attention. Thanks for the midnight winter walks and the summer pool days, for letting me teach you to cook and clean, and for the endless supply of opinions and music. I wouldn’t be the same person without you in my life.

You’re a good Jay.

I've Never Been Good At Keeping Secrets...

I’ve decided to take some time to tell the story of my salvation. I’ve been mulling over the idea for some time now. And honestly, I’ve been a bit scared to put myself out there. It’s one thing to write posts about my random thoughts and mood swings. But telling people other than my close friends my testimony is a step in a whole new direction. My concept of what’s important in life has recently been… renovated, to say the least. For a reason that will be revealed at a later date, when I have a better grasp of the situation. But until then, here’s another story.

On February 7^th of this year, I read a book called Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller. Keller gives a wonderfully logical, rational overview of the purpose of life. Basically, every situation in your life should come second to your relationship with God. It’s good to be a money saver, but when not having savings makes you feel like everything is falling apart, you have put money ahead of your relationship with God, and you’re just as bad off as someone else with a shopping addiction. Just an example of the kind of real-life scenarios that Keller so eloquently relays.

After reading the entirety of the book in about 5 hours, I accepted God in my life. (Of course, He had been trying to get my attention for years.) And after God came the idea of Jesus. I’d had a hard time making sense of Jesus for a long, long time. The idea that any God would care enough about humanity to wrap Himself in flesh and live our lives blew my mind. And the idea that He would allow Himself to be persecuted in the name of God, of Himself… it was all crazy mind-boggling. The thing that really got me, the thing that truly spoke to my soul was that He not only suffered the persecution, but died. He let go of the greatest miracle that has ever been or will be- Life itself- to prove a point. He let go of His incredible powers and came down to our level of comprehension and understanding simply to demonstrate the love that He feels for us. And to further demonstrate His power, His Almighty-ness… He rose from the grave. He defeated the very thing that we as human beings are most terrified of, that we will do anything to defeat. All to prove to US- the tiniest, most miniscule beings in the Universe- that He is real, and He is good, and He is powerful, and He loves us.

Before this day, I’d never thought about God’s thoughts. I’d never thought about how He felt about me, or us, or the world, or Creation… I had taken the moderately atheistic belief that basically said “Well, if there is a God, he doesn’t care about us. We’re just so insignificant in the grand scheme of the Universe and existence.” And that tiny, doubt-filled part of my psyche still believes those things. But it all just makes too much sense to my heart for it Not to be true. There is a part of me that has come to life in the past 9 months that was never truly alive before. There was one specific verse that Keller quoted that set my mind spinning:

“The all-seeing God knows the state of every heart.” Hebrews 4:12-13

Not that he knows every heart inside and out (which I believe He truly does), or that He knows the most troubling parts of your life and has an answer (also true), but that He knows the very state of every beating heart. He knows where we each stand on the God question, He knows how we feel about Jesus, about every other person in our lives, and about ourselves. The moment I began to truly consider this verse, God broke through the chains that had been on my life for years. He showed me what joy looked like, what true peace felt like. I hope I don’t sound crazy when I say this, but I got a little taste of Heaven on that day. It definitely ranks in the Top Three Best Days of My Life.

I spent some time yesterday going through old journal entries, entries that were cries for God in my life when I didn’t even realize what I was missing. They inspired me and replenished me, and I consider them some of the most precious of my conversations with God.

June 27^th, 2010

I know it’s hard for people to forgive others for their actions… and I understand anger and hatred, to an extent. But honestly! Forgiveness should flow through each of us and grace should reign over all. It’s a shame Christians use the religion as a guise… they try and trick you into believing in Jesus just to teach these things. I do think that devoting myself to something bigger than me will make me happier than anything else though. It’s interesting, I talk about this as though my way of thinking is entirely right and everyone that doesn’t agree with me is wrong. And that’s exactly where I’m wrong. Where we’re all wrong, really.

August 10^th, 2010

A poem:

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I’m awake. It doesn’t seem like this could be my life… it’s so surreal. I keep waiting for something unexpected to happen… but it doesn’t.

WHEN WILL IT HAPPEN? WHEN WILL THE BLACK FEATHERS PART AND FLY ME AWAY? WHERE IS AWAY? HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GET THERE? IF I TRY HARDER, WILL IT COME EASIER? WILL I HAVE TO FIGHT IF I’M AHEAD OF THE GAME?

God, I pray that this is not real. That this is a test; that it isn’t my life. I pray that you have a greater gift in store- that I have a destiny. I can’t make it happen alone; I need a lift- a rise- a flight.

Spread the wings for me, make them blacken and gloss for me. Make it powerful, make it great. Give me flight, Lord. Give me Heaven.

It is a crow, strong and sturdy. It is boastfulandpridefulandsilentandcunning.

It lures you in, it attracts with its glimmer. It exists, but it isn’t fun. It is cruel and prone to abandoning. Make a single mistake, turn away for a second, and it drops you off; no more beauty.

No more gloss.

Just a matte finish on the canvas of eternity.

August 26^th, 2010

Life is so weird, sometimes. I’m well aware that I’m not in control one second, but the next I feel like I am all there is to effect change in my own life.

If everything happens for a reason, why the possibility of failure?

September4th, 2010

“Burning desire to be or do something gives us staying power- a reason to get up every morning or to pick ourselves up and start again after a disappointment.” –Marsha Sinetar

My soul was crying out for God, even when my mind didn’t understand the reason behind my misery. I was dead to myself, dead to Life. And the crazy part is that I had NO IDEA! I never, ever, ever would have guessed that this “Truth” thing that those crazy Christians have been talking about for years would actually be THE Truth! THE actual answer to every ache in my heart.

If you have Jesus in your heart, I encourage you to reflect on the time before He was a part of your conscious mentality. Remember the pain, the confusion, the suppressed yearning that you tried to fill with other useless things. Remember it, relish it, bask in the peace that you experienced when you accepted Him into your life.

And if you don’t have Jesus… if you’re someone on my Facebook Friend list that is scoffing and simmering at everything I’ve said… Just pretend for a moment that people really can change. Imagine a world where everyone can be the best version of themselves and love each other and laugh with joy for absolutely no reason at all… And I honestly understand if you don’t get it. I didn’t. I never understood what it all meant, what it all could mean if it were true. But it is indeed Truth. And I can’t keep it to myself anymore.