Growth is a beautiful thing. And I’m not talking plant growth here- I’m talking spiritual growth. God growth. The kind of growth that makes you want to scream in pain and sing in an operatic voice at the same time. (Well, it makes me want to sing in an operatic voice…) God has been shifting around in my life, and I’ve given him space to do so. It feels like He’s making a room for Himself. And frankly I’m psyched to have a new roommate.
On the down side, I spend a lot of my time attempting to understand why it is that some people cannot accept God. Which is really a pretty intense subject, and moderately depressing. I think it has to do with the wounds that we sustain… we have so many scars and open wounds that we sometimes don’t have the capacity to see the core of our being. We can’t truly look inwardly on ourselves because all we see and feel and hear are the festering, unrelenting lies of the enemy. The enemy loves wounds; he seeks them out and wedges himself between the skins; he torments the wounds of the soul and masks the yearning for God that we are born with. Some of our wounds are so numerous and so deep… Nothing but the grace and mercy of God can heal them. And who can blame us? How can we possibly be bothered with the salvation of our soul when we can’t even recognize what it is that we’re missing? We get so blinded by the pain of our own past and daily struggles that we cannot even begin to fathom the unflinching, enemy-crushing, soul-filling love that awaits us.
On the up side, I am so thankful for the ability to accept this love, for the blessing of peace and salvation that I have been prepared to receive each day. Because I have begun to understand this, I can move forward. Not in my own desires or passions, but in the desires and passions of God. It continually gets harder and harder for me to recognize which desires are mine and which are from God; they are becoming one in the same. This feeling is both exhilarating and terrifying, because part of me fears that I’m losing myself, and part of me prays that I’m losing myself. And at the exact same time, I’m becoming a better version of myself every day, every hour, every minute. I’m growing into a new version of myself that I’ve never met before.
Events that would have completely torn me apart a year ago are now making me stronger than ever before. God is using them to wreck me for good, permanently and irrevocably. Because I recognize that nothing of this world could possibly compare to the joy that waits for me in the next.
“I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you; I will praise your name, O Lord, for it is good.” Psalm 54:5
I didn’t understand this verse when I read it a month ago; didn’t have an interpretation or application for my life. But now it is so clear. And so good. Life is a process of giving yourself over to God, one willful thought at a time. And while seemingly bad or painful things will happen as a result of this, the wonderful ALWAYS outweigh the unfortunate, and the growth that occurs will completely blow your mind.
