Update, y'all.

So I haven't written anything in a while. Well, I've written quite a bit actually, but nothing that one could break down and piece back together in any coherent fashion and call a post. And I'm quite honestly fresh out of ideas for posts at the moment. So I thought I'd just give a quick update about my life and my faith and my interests in general.

My mom is home for good, undergoing bi-weekly chemotherapy that usually leaves her wrecked for four or five days and then she's good to go. (I say "good to go" very lightly- she still naps sporadically and any sort of activity outside of the house is tiring for her.) It's difficult to talk about what its like to know someone undergoing chemo, much less live with them. Its hard to see my own mother, who has such a strong spirit, so physically weak. Its hard to recognize what emotions I feel when I see the exhaustion in her eyes even though she's trying to hide it. Somtimes I'm angry and sometimes I'm sad. But my empathy always kicks in and all I want to do is rub her feet or make her tea or do something to make her smile. Which is what a good daughter is supposed to do. I'm just so glad she's home.

I've been working like CRAZY. Up at 7, bed at 11. If I can get to sleep, that is. I'm finding out that the more stress and pressure I have on my mind, the better I perform. But that stress and pressure also affects my sleep habits. Which affects my mood. Which affects my performance. Which happens to affect everyone that I work with, directly and indirectly. So... I'm a bit exhausted all the time.

I'm so happy to finally have real responsibility at work, to finally have a role to fill and more than enough space to fill it. Yes, I'm talking about ice cream. But there's a lot more to it than most people think. I feel silly even typing that, but just take my word for it. The ice cream business is no cake walk. (Pun.)

A side effect of my increased responsiblity at work has been a new vision of myself- especially during my devotional time, God gives me images of my future, and for the first time in my entire life my dreams and my desires are melding together and I'm so excited for all that I'm learning about myself. I actually have the confidence to tell people "I want to start my own interior design business." Not that I didn't have the self-confidence before, but a year ago I wouldn't have wanted to say it for fear that I'd be unintentionally lying to everyone. But now I know that its possible, and I've got more than enough inspiration. So I'm saying it again. One day, I will have my own interior design business. And it will be good.

That's about all I've got right now. Not much on the "reflection" front. I'm going to start ending my posts with my likes/dislikes at the moment. Because these are the things that regularly occupy my thinking. And because I can't think of anything else to say at the end of posts usually. Sooo....

Likes:
-Obama's Slow Jamming the News with Jimmy Fallon  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAFQIciWsF4) And yes, I did squeal with delight when those curtains were pulled back and Barack walked through.
-Mondays. Because they are my Starbucks Pay-It-Forward Days. I pay for the person in line behind me and hope that they pass the gift along. Try it! Warm fuzzies all around.
-Seafoam Green.
-The Science of God by Gerald Schroeder. "By exploring how religious belief is enhanced by an open-eyed investigation of the world and how honest science demands humility when faced with the extraordinary richeness of life's creation, this revealing book reminds us how abounding is our science, how true the Bible- and how the convergence between the two will inspire you to reconsider both your Scripture and your Einstein."
-Feist's Metals

Dislikes:
-Rum flavored ice cream.
-Gas prices.
-Cognitive Dissonance. Look it up, yo.
-University of Tennessee Medical School. *Sigh*
-Midi Rings.

The one about forgiveness.

What do you do when your life is turned upside down? When your daily routine and immediate goals and plans are tossed out the window by some force that you only recognize as the worst possible pain you’ve ever experienced? How do you deal with crippling fear that comes out of nowhere and leaves you immobile for several minutes, bawling your eyes out and unable to speak?

Hopefully you’ve never felt this. Hopefully you never will. But I have. Multiple times, in fact.

I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it through the past month and a half. My mom went in for a routine but major operation in early December. The doctors thought she had recovered enough to come home but eventually she had to have another emergency surgery and hasn’t been home in 33 days.

That’s 33 days without a phone call asking when I’m coming home. 33 days without her voice telling me I’m wearing too much perfume and telling me to put my dishes in the dishwasher. 33 days without the nagging that only a mother can deliver in a loving tone of voice that makes you feel guilty when you roll your eyes.

Its also been 49 days since we went to get Greek food on her lunch break. 47 days since she barged into my room at 7 am to borrow a sweater or earrings or shoes. 44 days since she looked into my eyes and just knew that I’d had a bad day, and gave me a long hug that made everything feel okay again.

The early days of her hospital stay were the worst. I couldn’t talk to God, couldn’t pray, couldn’t even look at my Bible. I couldn’t stand the idea of going to church to worship the all-powerful being that I recognize Him to be because if He is really that all-powerful, why can’t He just make it all stop? I can’t count how many times I laid hands on my mother while she was sleeping in the ICU and begged God for the ability to heal her.

But now feel like I’m falling in love with God all over again. Each day I uncover a part of my relationship with Him that I forgot about, and each day I remember exactly how powerful He has been in my life. Today was a wonderful day for me and God. I woke up praying, thanking God for the blessings in my life. Blessings that I can’t put a name to but feel very potently. It took a while for me to sort out how to forgive myself for cursing God and His sudden change of plans for me. I was so, so angry. But the forgiveness that God’s love brings to the table is insurmountable. I just can’t get past that love. And I stand very firm in the belief that everything happens for a reason. God never gives us more than we can handle, or more than we can bear.

My mom gets a little better every day, and there are still lots of hurdles to jump before she can come home. Three steps forward and two steps back is still one step ahead. And just as long as we’re moving forward I’m happy.

I want to share the lyrics to a song by Plumb that I have taken great comfort in for the past few weeks. The song is called Phobic and it was written as a letter to us, from God. I think it does a beautiful job of describing God’s forgiveness. I would post a link, but I can’t remember how… so look it up!

I watched you sit alone, I watched you cry your eyes out. Now tell me what you’ve done.

Is it so bad that I would shut you out and leave you here alone?
Yes, I saw what you did, I was right there with you. I won’t let you sink. No, I forgive you.

Phobic, don’t be. Grace needs a little more freedom.

Phobic, don’t be. Love needs room to breathe.

I’ve watched you grow- I’ve stood in your shadow. I’ve never walked away.

I hung the stars and I hold your heart, so don’t ever be afraid.

Yes, I know when you breathe. And I feel when you need. I won’t let you sink. No, I forgive you.

Phobic, don’t be. Grace needs a little more freedom.

Phobic, don’t be. Love needs room to breathe.

You can be healed.

You can be free.

You can know peace.

Never be afraid again.