The one about forgiveness.

What do you do when your life is turned upside down? When your daily routine and immediate goals and plans are tossed out the window by some force that you only recognize as the worst possible pain you’ve ever experienced? How do you deal with crippling fear that comes out of nowhere and leaves you immobile for several minutes, bawling your eyes out and unable to speak?

Hopefully you’ve never felt this. Hopefully you never will. But I have. Multiple times, in fact.

I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it through the past month and a half. My mom went in for a routine but major operation in early December. The doctors thought she had recovered enough to come home but eventually she had to have another emergency surgery and hasn’t been home in 33 days.

That’s 33 days without a phone call asking when I’m coming home. 33 days without her voice telling me I’m wearing too much perfume and telling me to put my dishes in the dishwasher. 33 days without the nagging that only a mother can deliver in a loving tone of voice that makes you feel guilty when you roll your eyes.

Its also been 49 days since we went to get Greek food on her lunch break. 47 days since she barged into my room at 7 am to borrow a sweater or earrings or shoes. 44 days since she looked into my eyes and just knew that I’d had a bad day, and gave me a long hug that made everything feel okay again.

The early days of her hospital stay were the worst. I couldn’t talk to God, couldn’t pray, couldn’t even look at my Bible. I couldn’t stand the idea of going to church to worship the all-powerful being that I recognize Him to be because if He is really that all-powerful, why can’t He just make it all stop? I can’t count how many times I laid hands on my mother while she was sleeping in the ICU and begged God for the ability to heal her.

But now feel like I’m falling in love with God all over again. Each day I uncover a part of my relationship with Him that I forgot about, and each day I remember exactly how powerful He has been in my life. Today was a wonderful day for me and God. I woke up praying, thanking God for the blessings in my life. Blessings that I can’t put a name to but feel very potently. It took a while for me to sort out how to forgive myself for cursing God and His sudden change of plans for me. I was so, so angry. But the forgiveness that God’s love brings to the table is insurmountable. I just can’t get past that love. And I stand very firm in the belief that everything happens for a reason. God never gives us more than we can handle, or more than we can bear.

My mom gets a little better every day, and there are still lots of hurdles to jump before she can come home. Three steps forward and two steps back is still one step ahead. And just as long as we’re moving forward I’m happy.

I want to share the lyrics to a song by Plumb that I have taken great comfort in for the past few weeks. The song is called Phobic and it was written as a letter to us, from God. I think it does a beautiful job of describing God’s forgiveness. I would post a link, but I can’t remember how… so look it up!

I watched you sit alone, I watched you cry your eyes out. Now tell me what you’ve done.

Is it so bad that I would shut you out and leave you here alone?
Yes, I saw what you did, I was right there with you. I won’t let you sink. No, I forgive you.

Phobic, don’t be. Grace needs a little more freedom.

Phobic, don’t be. Love needs room to breathe.

I’ve watched you grow- I’ve stood in your shadow. I’ve never walked away.

I hung the stars and I hold your heart, so don’t ever be afraid.

Yes, I know when you breathe. And I feel when you need. I won’t let you sink. No, I forgive you.

Phobic, don’t be. Grace needs a little more freedom.

Phobic, don’t be. Love needs room to breathe.

You can be healed.

You can be free.

You can know peace.

Never be afraid again.