On Being Alone

Maybe its weird, but I have absolutely no problem being alone. Since I was little and my mom used to tell me to go play in my room, I have loved it. At five, it was just a lot more fun to be by myself and talk to my Barbies and dive in to a totally different world of my own creation. And now being alone is my favorite part of the day. Sitting on the couch in the morning, drinking my coffee and letting my brain wake up at its leisure. Driving to work in total silence, listening to the sound of the engine and getting lost in my own ridiculous daydreams. 

Even now, watching the cone batter mix at work and listening to the constant hum of the freezers in the back, these moments of solitude are one of the best parts of my job. I wonder what the difference is, though, between me and others who crave constant companionship and interaction. Is it an environmental thing? The way they were raised? Or does it go all the way down to the genes? Because both of my biological parents are great about just sitting next to me in total silence without it getting awkward. And I love that about both of them.

I'm going to visit my family in Mississippi this weekend, and I cannot wait for the moment that we pull into my dad's driveway and I can sit on the front porch with him and look out at the lake and listen to the crickets chirp and see the stars without any light pollution from the nonexistent buildings looming in the distance. 

There is a sense of peace that comes over me when I'm there, a sense of my place in the world that makes it so much easier to be grateful for this existence. In some ways seeing that giant, matte black sky with all those thousands of twinkling stars makes me feel alone, isolated, and small. But understanding my place in the mechanism of the Universe is also beautifully humbling and freeing in a way. Although I am small, I am the only Me there ever has been or ever will be, and that makes me more precious than any of those thousands of stars. 

So maybe I like being alone because I like myself. I like talking to myself and sorting out my thoughts and ideas. I enjoy examining my actions and finding themes in my own life. I even make myself laugh a lot of the time. I can be more honest with myself than with anybody else, and I never tell my own secrets. I'm kind of like my own, built-in best friend. Which is kind of creepy but makes total sense my head. 

For those of you out there that don't like being alone, think of it as quality time with yourself. Get to know yourself, get in touch with your own existence, and if you don't like what you find you know its time to make a change. Teach yourself to enjoy spending time alone. You're the one that has to live with you, be with you, sleep with you. Learn to love yourself and appreciate your own unique point of view. Nobody else sees the world quite the way that you do. 

Invest in yourself. Spend some time alone. I promise it is not time wasted.

It's been a while...

So I'm at this really awkward stage in my life, and I think we've all experienced our fair share of awkward stages, <stalks own Facebook for embarrassing examples to insert, but alas... too embarrassing> so it's not like this is an unfamiliar feeling. But that doesn't make it any less painful.

I'm not even going to get into the explanation of this sudden need to blog again, but I will say this: It is during these times of change and transition that I feel the greatest desire to be around those I love. When I get stressed out, what I want more than anything is to call someone that I trust and spill my guts to them. I don't want advice, I don't want answers, I just want comfort. I want understanding. I want someone to bounce my ideas off of and help figuring out how to feel about whatever is going on. 

What I've come to realize is this that 85% of the time I don't come out of that conversation feeling any better about the situation. In fact I feel even more confused and conflicted than I did before I drenched my loved one in word vomit. And it's not like listening to me rant and rave makes said loved one feel good at all. I'm sure its quite frustrating, actually. But I digress.

I need to make a change. I need to stop reaching out so much and start looking up. I need to appreciate the life I'm living, and stop focusing so much on how unfair it is a lot of the time. I need to take what I have and make it work for me, instead of comparing myself to all the people around me that are succeeding so easily in my eyes. Because at the end of the day, every single one of us struggles to keep it together sometimes. And just because one persons life is filled with more struggle than others, that doesn't mean either life is any less valuable. 

I need to take some serious chances in the future, I need to put myself out there and be available to say yes to as many opportunities as possible. I need to stop quitting for fear of future failure, because the only one that is going to take any risks on my behalf is me. If I don't believe in myself, who will?

Okay. I've pumped myself up now. I'm ready to take on the world.

I'm about to make some seriously beautiful chocolate dipped waffle cones and the baseboards in the back better watch out, because they're going to be the cleanest they've ever been.

Baby steps.