I've Never Been Good At Keeping Secrets...

I’ve decided to take some time to tell the story of my salvation. I’ve been mulling over the idea for some time now. And honestly, I’ve been a bit scared to put myself out there. It’s one thing to write posts about my random thoughts and mood swings. But telling people other than my close friends my testimony is a step in a whole new direction. My concept of what’s important in life has recently been… renovated, to say the least. For a reason that will be revealed at a later date, when I have a better grasp of the situation. But until then, here’s another story.

On February 7^th of this year, I read a book called Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller. Keller gives a wonderfully logical, rational overview of the purpose of life. Basically, every situation in your life should come second to your relationship with God. It’s good to be a money saver, but when not having savings makes you feel like everything is falling apart, you have put money ahead of your relationship with God, and you’re just as bad off as someone else with a shopping addiction. Just an example of the kind of real-life scenarios that Keller so eloquently relays.

After reading the entirety of the book in about 5 hours, I accepted God in my life. (Of course, He had been trying to get my attention for years.) And after God came the idea of Jesus. I’d had a hard time making sense of Jesus for a long, long time. The idea that any God would care enough about humanity to wrap Himself in flesh and live our lives blew my mind. And the idea that He would allow Himself to be persecuted in the name of God, of Himself… it was all crazy mind-boggling. The thing that really got me, the thing that truly spoke to my soul was that He not only suffered the persecution, but died. He let go of the greatest miracle that has ever been or will be- Life itself- to prove a point. He let go of His incredible powers and came down to our level of comprehension and understanding simply to demonstrate the love that He feels for us. And to further demonstrate His power, His Almighty-ness… He rose from the grave. He defeated the very thing that we as human beings are most terrified of, that we will do anything to defeat. All to prove to US- the tiniest, most miniscule beings in the Universe- that He is real, and He is good, and He is powerful, and He loves us.

Before this day, I’d never thought about God’s thoughts. I’d never thought about how He felt about me, or us, or the world, or Creation… I had taken the moderately atheistic belief that basically said “Well, if there is a God, he doesn’t care about us. We’re just so insignificant in the grand scheme of the Universe and existence.” And that tiny, doubt-filled part of my psyche still believes those things. But it all just makes too much sense to my heart for it Not to be true. There is a part of me that has come to life in the past 9 months that was never truly alive before. There was one specific verse that Keller quoted that set my mind spinning:

“The all-seeing God knows the state of every heart.” Hebrews 4:12-13

Not that he knows every heart inside and out (which I believe He truly does), or that He knows the most troubling parts of your life and has an answer (also true), but that He knows the very state of every beating heart. He knows where we each stand on the God question, He knows how we feel about Jesus, about every other person in our lives, and about ourselves. The moment I began to truly consider this verse, God broke through the chains that had been on my life for years. He showed me what joy looked like, what true peace felt like. I hope I don’t sound crazy when I say this, but I got a little taste of Heaven on that day. It definitely ranks in the Top Three Best Days of My Life.

I spent some time yesterday going through old journal entries, entries that were cries for God in my life when I didn’t even realize what I was missing. They inspired me and replenished me, and I consider them some of the most precious of my conversations with God.

June 27^th, 2010

I know it’s hard for people to forgive others for their actions… and I understand anger and hatred, to an extent. But honestly! Forgiveness should flow through each of us and grace should reign over all. It’s a shame Christians use the religion as a guise… they try and trick you into believing in Jesus just to teach these things. I do think that devoting myself to something bigger than me will make me happier than anything else though. It’s interesting, I talk about this as though my way of thinking is entirely right and everyone that doesn’t agree with me is wrong. And that’s exactly where I’m wrong. Where we’re all wrong, really.

August 10^th, 2010

A poem:

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I’m awake. It doesn’t seem like this could be my life… it’s so surreal. I keep waiting for something unexpected to happen… but it doesn’t.

WHEN WILL IT HAPPEN? WHEN WILL THE BLACK FEATHERS PART AND FLY ME AWAY? WHERE IS AWAY? HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GET THERE? IF I TRY HARDER, WILL IT COME EASIER? WILL I HAVE TO FIGHT IF I’M AHEAD OF THE GAME?

God, I pray that this is not real. That this is a test; that it isn’t my life. I pray that you have a greater gift in store- that I have a destiny. I can’t make it happen alone; I need a lift- a rise- a flight.

Spread the wings for me, make them blacken and gloss for me. Make it powerful, make it great. Give me flight, Lord. Give me Heaven.

It is a crow, strong and sturdy. It is boastfulandpridefulandsilentandcunning.

It lures you in, it attracts with its glimmer. It exists, but it isn’t fun. It is cruel and prone to abandoning. Make a single mistake, turn away for a second, and it drops you off; no more beauty.

No more gloss.

Just a matte finish on the canvas of eternity.

August 26^th, 2010

Life is so weird, sometimes. I’m well aware that I’m not in control one second, but the next I feel like I am all there is to effect change in my own life.

If everything happens for a reason, why the possibility of failure?

September4th, 2010

“Burning desire to be or do something gives us staying power- a reason to get up every morning or to pick ourselves up and start again after a disappointment.” –Marsha Sinetar

My soul was crying out for God, even when my mind didn’t understand the reason behind my misery. I was dead to myself, dead to Life. And the crazy part is that I had NO IDEA! I never, ever, ever would have guessed that this “Truth” thing that those crazy Christians have been talking about for years would actually be THE Truth! THE actual answer to every ache in my heart.

If you have Jesus in your heart, I encourage you to reflect on the time before He was a part of your conscious mentality. Remember the pain, the confusion, the suppressed yearning that you tried to fill with other useless things. Remember it, relish it, bask in the peace that you experienced when you accepted Him into your life.

And if you don’t have Jesus… if you’re someone on my Facebook Friend list that is scoffing and simmering at everything I’ve said… Just pretend for a moment that people really can change. Imagine a world where everyone can be the best version of themselves and love each other and laugh with joy for absolutely no reason at all… And I honestly understand if you don’t get it. I didn’t. I never understood what it all meant, what it all could mean if it were true. But it is indeed Truth. And I can’t keep it to myself anymore.

New Look!

So I don't have anything meaningful to say this time, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE check out this girl's blog for me. Her name is Leta and she helped me make my blog cute! Plus she's Asian.

This is what I think about on my birthday.

So. My birthday was yesterday. And I know birthday's are supposed to be joyous, happy occasions... but I happened to be a little down both the day before my birthday and the actual day of my birth. Which actually doesn't really make any sense because I had a great breakfast with my dad and brother in the morning (cheddar and roast beef omelettes... mmm!), a beautiful lunch with beautiful friends and a beautiful cupcake that left me a little bit too full (a cobb salad and Gigi's... Mmmm!), and a quiet dinner with my mom and dad and brother (corkscrew pasta with homemade marinara sauce, italian sausage, and homemade garlic bread... MMM!). I also received a surprise bouquet of the most beautiful tropical flowers. So WHAT do I have to complain about, right? Somehow I still managed to take a small mishap and turn it into a depressing afternoon of journaling. Lame, right?


WRONG. Here's the important part: I didn't mope and look inwardly and hope everything would get better. I opened my Bible and began to read. Lately I've been making my way through Psalms, and yesterday afternoon my fingers turned backwards a few pages and found Psalm 35. And then I wrote this:

11 October 2011

There is a very specific type of pain associated with disappointment. It’s not a physical pain, but it’s a pain nonetheless. It’s an aching, lingering, never-quite-disappearing-only-fading kind of pain. And right in this moment, I feel heavily drenched with a torrential downpour of this very uncomfortable kind of pain.

Here’s what I think. I think that this is a classic case of letting the devil get the best of me. It’s definitely his work… I feel so lonely, so sad, so upset about something that I shouldn’t be that upset about. It’s like every sad thought or memory that I have had in my life ever is being released on me today. I wish I could turn the whole thing around and somehow imbue myself with the exact opposite of every emotion that I’m feeling.

IT’S MY FREAKING BIRTHDAY! GIVE ME A BREAK!

I’m so glad that God gave us the Bible though. So, so, so, so glad. Can we just think about these verses? Together? I would love to hear what you all get out of them.

Psalm 35:19-28

“Let not those who gloat over me who are my enemies without cause; let not those who hate me without reason maliciously wink the eye.

They do not speak peaceably, but devise false accusations against those who live quietly in the land.

They gape at me and say ‘Aha! Aha! With our own eyes we have seen it.’

O Lord, you have seen this; be not silent. Do not be far from me, O Lord.

Awake, and rise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and Lord.

Vindicate me in your righteousness, O Lord my God; do not let them gloat over me.

Do not let them think ‘Aha, just what we wanted!’ or say ‘We have swallowed him up.’

May all who gloat over my distress be put to shame and confusion; may all who exalt themselves over me be clothed with shame and disgrace.

May those who delight in my vindication shout for joy and gladness; may they always say, ‘The Lord be exalted, who delights in the well-being of his servant.’

My tongue will speak of your righteousness and of your praises all day long."

Reading these verses right now fills my heart with hope. This King David guy knew EXACTLY what I’m feeling right now, I think. Thanks, Dave, for putting it all in perspective.

I hope it's okay that I called him Dave... I feel like I know him though. Is that weird?

And for those of you that don't want to get older... I can empathize compeletely with you. But remember this: your journey with God is never, ever finished. There is always going to be another layer to peel back, another emotional hurdle that you'll have to sift through and then hand over to Him. But when you actually believe in the power of the Word of God, when you seek meaning in each and every line and verse, when you think about what David meant when he said those things... Man, oh, man. Nothing is the same. So this journey that never ends, although it may not be our favorite physically; remember that you always have something to look forward to spiritually.

Mmmm... that one verse up there "May those who delight in my vindication shout for joy and gladness; may they always say 'The Lord be exalted, who delights in the well-being of his servant.' My tongue will speak of your righteousness and of your praises all day long."

Shout for joy! We all deserve it. Every single day.

Since when does time actually fly?

As I sit in a Starbucks on Union Avenue in Memphis, I am reminded of how quickly time seems to be moving these days. I just dropped my best friend off at the UT Health Science Center for her first series of med school interviews, and I can hardly hold back the tears as I think about how proud I am of her.


I mentioned Jia in my first post, and I suppose now it is time for me to really tell you all about her.


Jia and I met in the seventh grade, and the story behind our meeting is really quite definitive of our relationship over the years. I had transferred to a different school that year and didn't know anyone. My natural tendency when I don't know anyone or am in a new situation is to say random things at random times and pretend like I know what's going on. I've figured out as the years have gone by that it's a coping mechanism for me when I feel insecure. Blurt out something clever and nobody will know how terrified you are, you know?


So that first day of seventh grade. The first teacher I met was Mr. Rhodes, a gangly wisp of a man who talked too fast and used his hands too much. When he got to the end of the roll, his breakneck pace was broken by Jia's name. "Uh... Jeeya? Jeeya Yai?" There was indeed no Jeeya Yai to be found in the classroom. After social studies came reading, and the rickety Ms. Jones had the same trouble at the end of roll call. "Jayah? Jayah Yee?" (At least she got the last name right.) After a few moments, a student at the back of the room spoke up. "Jia isn't here today, she's still in China." So each class after that, when the teacher mispronounced Jia's name, I spoke for her. "Oh, Jia? She's in China visiting her family." As if we'd been friends our entire lives. Classic Lyndsi.


Because I had transferred schools and the teachers didn't know what class levels I belonged in, I had an entirely different schedule by the time Jia returned from China the following week. I was delighted to discover, however, that she was still in chorus class with me, and I made sure to introduce myself the instant I saw her cute round face. It was just my luck that she ended up being the sister that I never had. But I made sure to not tell her about the pretending-to-know-her thing until she knew for sure that I'm not a complete lunatic. (Meaning about four months ago.)


As I said before, Jia is in the process right now of interviewing/applying for medical school. Most of you probably assume that she's a supergenius, and she is definitely brilliant in many respects. But that brilliance is by no means my favorite thing about her. I happen to think her awkward sense of humor is hysterical, especially when nobody else understands what she's talking about. And some of my absolute favorite quoatable moments have occured with her.


We had every single class together our freshman year in high school, and at least four together each year after that. We walked to and from school together for a year and a half becasue our neighborhoods were connected. So we spent basically nine hours a day, five days a week together during our formative social years. The only real feedback I got from any human being in regards to my sense of humor or thoughts about music or society in general were from Jia. Sure I had a few other acquaintances that I tried to substitute for a real best friend, but at the end of each broken relationship stood Jia with a smile on her face, blissfully unaware that I had strayed away to begin with. That's probably my favorite thing about being friends with Jia, in fact. There is absolutely no pressure to be anything other than exactly who I am at any given moment. I can talk and talk and talk about nothing for close to an hour, and Jia just says "Lyndsi, is that really practical?" And I love her for it.


Another important thing you need to know about my JiaJia is a lot less funny and a lot more serious. It also speaks volumes about her character and I think proves that the hand of God has been on both our lives for a very very long time. During the later part of seventh grade, Jia's mother was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. I won't go into details about this, as it was an extremely personal experience in our friendship, but I will say that those four years of watching Jia struggle with her mother's illness absolutely changed my view of life.


Her mother passed away the summer before our senior year in high school, and I wouldn't trade anything for the time that I got to spend with Jia and her family during that time. It may sound morbid of me, but I can't remember ever feeling better about myself. Knowing that I could be there for Jia and her sister gave me a sense of purpose that I needed badly during that time and I have learned to value that in many other aspects of my life. And although I spent most of senior year trying to run from the pain that I felt afterwards, I look back on that period of time as the most precious of my life thus far. My grandmother went through a very similar progression of her lung cancer when I was younger, and it was no irony that we became friends just a year after I lost my beloved Mama-T to the exact same illness. I believe that God placed us in eachother's lives for a reason, and I thank Him each and every day for having blessed me so much in that way.


To see how Jia has risen above the pain and anger of losing her mother at seventeen; to see how hard she works to make her own dreams of becoming a doctor come true so that she can help others that are faced with such tragic circumstances... She inspires me every single day. So when I dropped her off and watched her walk away in her "power suit" to her first interview, I couldn't help but think about how proud her mother would have been to see her daughter becoming such an amazing woman. Even in this moment, I cannot express how proud I am to call her my friend.


It's crazy, that first meeting of ours was a little more than 9 years ago. Time is truly flying. So much has happened to me in the last ten years, and I cannot wait to see where this thing called life takes me next. If it's anything like what I've experienced so far, I think I've definitely got something to look forward to.