I’ve decided to take some time to tell the story of my salvation. I’ve been mulling over the idea for some time now. And honestly, I’ve been a bit scared to put myself out there. It’s one thing to write posts about my random thoughts and mood swings. But telling people other than my close friends my testimony is a step in a whole new direction. My concept of what’s important in life has recently been… renovated, to say the least. For a reason that will be revealed at a later date, when I have a better grasp of the situation. But until then, here’s another story.
On February 7th of this year, I read a book called Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller. Keller gives a wonderfully logical, rational overview of the purpose of life. Basically, every situation in your life should come second to your relationship with God. It’s good to be a money saver, but when not having savings makes you feel like everything is falling apart, you have put money ahead of your relationship with God, and you’re just as bad off as someone else with a shopping addiction. Just an example of the kind of real-life scenarios that Keller so eloquently relays.
After reading the entirety of the book in about 5 hours, I accepted God in my life. (Of course, He had been trying to get my attention for years.) And after God came the idea of Jesus. I’d had a hard time making sense of Jesus for a long, long time. The idea that any God would care enough about humanity to wrap Himself in flesh and live our lives blew my mind. And the idea that He would allow Himself to be persecuted in the name of God, of Himself… it was all crazy mind-boggling. The thing that really got me, the thing that truly spoke to my soul was that He not only suffered the persecution, but died. He let go of the greatest miracle that has ever been or will be- Life itself- to prove a point. He let go of His incredible powers and came down to our level of comprehension and understanding simply to demonstrate the love that He feels for us. And to further demonstrate His power, His Almighty-ness… He rose from the grave. He defeated the very thing that we as human beings are most terrified of, that we will do anything to defeat. All to prove to US- the tiniest, most miniscule beings in the Universe- that He is real, and He is good, and He is powerful, and He loves us.
Before this day, I’d never thought about God’s thoughts. I’d never thought about how He felt about me, or us, or the world, or Creation… I had taken the moderately atheistic belief that basically said “Well, if there is a God, he doesn’t care about us. We’re just so insignificant in the grand scheme of the Universe and existence.” And that tiny, doubt-filled part of my psyche still believes those things. But it all just makes too much sense to my heart for it Not to be true. There is a part of me that has come to life in the past 9 months that was never truly alive before. There was one specific verse that Keller quoted that set my mind spinning:
“The all-seeing God knows the state of every heart.” Hebrews 4:12-13
Not that he knows every heart inside and out (which I believe He truly does), or that He knows the most troubling parts of your life and has an answer (also true), but that He knows the very state of every beating heart. He knows where we each stand on the God question, He knows how we feel about Jesus, about every other person in our lives, and about ourselves. The moment I began to truly consider this verse, God broke through the chains that had been on my life for years. He showed me what joy looked like, what true peace felt like. I hope I don’t sound crazy when I say this, but I got a little taste of Heaven on that day. It definitely ranks in the Top Three Best Days of My Life.
I spent some time yesterday going through old journal entries, entries that were cries for God in my life when I didn’t even realize what I was missing. They inspired me and replenished me, and I consider them some of the most precious of my conversations with God.
June 27th, 2010
I know it’s hard for people to forgive others for their actions… and I understand anger and hatred, to an extent. But honestly! Forgiveness should flow through each of us and grace should reign over all. It’s a shame Christians use the religion as a guise… they try and trick you into believing in Jesus just to teach these things. I do think that devoting myself to something bigger than me will make me happier than anything else though. It’s interesting, I talk about this as though my way of thinking is entirely right and everyone that doesn’t agree with me is wrong. And that’s exactly where I’m wrong. Where we’re all wrong, really.
August 10th, 2010
A poem:
Sometimes I wonder whether or not I’m awake. It doesn’t seem like this could be my life… it’s so surreal. I keep waiting for something unexpected to happen… but it doesn’t.
WHEN WILL IT HAPPEN? WHEN WILL THE BLACK FEATHERS PART AND FLY ME AWAY? WHERE IS AWAY? HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GET THERE? IF I TRY HARDER, WILL IT COME EASIER? WILL I HAVE TO FIGHT IF I’M AHEAD OF THE GAME?
God, I pray that this is not real. That this is a test; that it isn’t my life. I pray that you have a greater gift in store- that I have a destiny. I can’t make it happen alone; I need a lift- a rise- a flight.
Spread the wings for me, make them blacken and gloss for me. Make it powerful, make it great. Give me flight, Lord. Give me Heaven.
It is a crow, strong and sturdy. It is boastfulandpridefulandsilentandcunning.
It lures you in, it attracts with its glimmer. It exists, but it isn’t fun. It is cruel and prone to abandoning. Make a single mistake, turn away for a second, and it drops you off; no more beauty.
No more gloss.
Just a matte finish on the canvas of eternity.
August 26th, 2010
Life is so weird, sometimes. I’m well aware that I’m not in control one second, but the next I feel like I am all there is to effect change in my own life.
If everything happens for a reason, why the possibility of failure?
September4th, 2010
“Burning desire to be or do something gives us staying power- a reason to get up every morning or to pick ourselves up and start again after a disappointment.” –Marsha Sinetar
My soul was crying out for God, even when my mind didn’t understand the reason behind my misery. I was dead to myself, dead to Life. And the crazy part is that I had NO IDEA! I never, ever, ever would have guessed that this “Truth” thing that those crazy Christians have been talking about for years would actually be THE Truth! THE actual answer to every ache in my heart.
If you have Jesus in your heart, I encourage you to reflect on the time before He was a part of your conscious mentality. Remember the pain, the confusion, the suppressed yearning that you tried to fill with other useless things. Remember it, relish it, bask in the peace that you experienced when you accepted Him into your life.
And if you don’t have Jesus… if you’re someone on my Facebook Friend list that is scoffing and simmering at everything I’ve said… Just pretend for a moment that people really can change. Imagine a world where everyone can be the best version of themselves and love each other and laugh with joy for absolutely no reason at all… And I honestly understand if you don’t get it. I didn’t. I never understood what it all meant, what it all could mean if it were true. But it is indeed Truth. And I can’t keep it to myself anymore.
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